CUPOOTINO, California. Steven Jobless, CEO of Crapple Corp, announced his company’s long awaited tablet form-factor machine last Wednesday. Whilst sequestered in the backwoods of Tennessee last year, Mr Jobless spent a lot of time waiting for medical test results and considering the meaning of life. Whereupon he had what he described as a “number 1 experience”. It hit him – the perfect Captive Market. The new product, marketed as the iPoo is of the ideal form factor for use whilst positioned on the lavatory. Unlike the early tablet products produced by their competitors, the iPoo is not a fully fledged compooter, but follows the Jeff Raskin school of thought on what constitutes a suitable “Intuitive Interface” for the average user.

Marketing of the new product is intended to involve heavy use of anti-social media – each geek on the planet is forced into deciding whether they would buy the device or not. Since most of them think it’ll be shit, it’ll count as a ringing endorsement for the non-tech savvy public. It seems that the geek public is waiting for the next shitteration of the device.

Taking full advantage of the DRM the product provides, it comes in two models. The slightly more expensive option, “Comes with Porn” (seemingly aimed at competitor Noklue) unlocks DRM for porn on the device, and also uses a new technology known only as “3D-multitouch” (details not yet provided at time of going to press).

We spent some time after the media announcement assessing the mood amongst the company faithful, and by and large that mood was one of “Relief”. Reaction amongst the Linux community was less positive, with comments ranging from “We invented Brown” (Ubuntu’s Mark Shuttleworth), “We invented shit-casting” (Communitization manager, Jono Bacon) to “It’s Crap” (Fabian Scherschel, from the Linuxoutlaws).